ST. LOUIS, MO– In preparation for Sunday evening’s second Presidential Debate at Washington University, the Hillary Clinton campaign was making the rounds around the city of Saint Louis. They made stops at many local businesses to try and drum up additional support and squeeze every last drop out of the voter toothpaste tube we call “the electorate.” They pandered to anyone who could possibly stand to listen to her surrogates drone on about equal pay for women and minorities or expanding gun control laws that take self defense tools out of law abiding American hands. They even reached a wide range of people, and everyone from artisanal pet food store owners to the local Association of Pimps and Prostitutes (APP Local 69), fielded a barrage of political speak and propaganda that would make Bill O’Reilly’s head spin with ways to spin it in his “No Spin Zone.”
At one stop on the trail, however, controversy caught up with the Clinton Campaign once again. While fueling up the campaign transport motorcade at the Phil Mart in the Shrewsbury suburb, the Democratic Nominee for President of the United States, Hillary Clinton, was hungry for more than just continuing the “change” in American policies that has been spearheaded by current President Barack Obama. She plotted her course of action and planned on grabbing a package of beef jerky, a thing of Sour Patch Kids, a fruit-and-nut granola bar, and a Snickers bar for a sweet treat later because, in her words, “she deserved it after the grueling day on the campaign trail.”
After picking out her delectable convenience store meal, she began to calculate the damage that the total cost would wreak on her campaign’s finances, and this is where the trouble would set in. Clinton had forgotten to take into consideration that this was a privately owned, non corporate convenience store and the prices of goods came with a bit of a premium price tag that is well worth it for the service and friendliness that can only be offered by a small business.
As she began counting out her #ClintonCash to attempt to pay for the goods, she realized she was about a dollar short of the total cost of $12.90. In a panic, Clinton began to think of the possible snack combinations without one item or the other. Could she do without the Sour Patch Kids? Not a chance, those bad boys are a perfect balance of sour AND sweet. How about the most expensive item, the jerky? After coming off of huge bouts of the killer bird flu-zika hybrid disease her campaign kept hidden from the public, there is no way she could concede the 17 grams of protein the package of jerky had to offer. Eventually, it came down to choosing between the granola bar and the peanuty-nougaty-chocolaty treat she was going to save for a mid afternoon escape from the campaign grind.
Pacing the aisles of the store like a Trump campaign manager after a string of tweets at 3:30 AM, Clinton frantically tried to decide on the ultimate snack decision that would effect her nutrition intake for the rest of the afternoon. After much deliberation, she came to the conclusion that because she is a Clinton, she is entitled to what she wants when she wants it. Secretary Clinton then scanned the 1,000 square foot shop for any sign of security cameras or theft prevention systems and to her surprise, there were no visible signs of anything that would incriminate her for slipping that Snickers bar in her pocket. So she did. As soon as the deed was done, Hillary stepped up to the counter as suave and confident as can be.
“Howdy, Mrs. Clinton did you find everything alright today?” Phil Mart’s owner Phil Martinez asked the former Secretary of State.
She responded with a bit about how small business owners like himself are the real reason America is such a thriving community of wonderful humans and that his dedication to the American dream will continue to pay off, especially if he were to cast his vote for her November 8th. She paid for the goods she had presented to Mr. Martinez, and left him with a handshake and her signature wicked grin.
Upon exiting the store and once the coast was clear, Hillary let out a sigh of relief after not being caught and noted the ease of the theft by comparing it to “Taking tax payer dollars from the hard working American people and funneling it into a dysfunctional central government and telling them it’s a good thing!”
Phil Martinez wanted to show off the visit of the Presidential Nominee to friends and family, so he referred back to the camera footage from his state-of-the-art incognito security system to get a good screenshot of what was sure to be a great memory. Upon reviewing the tape, he found the precise moment Hillary slipped the $1.49 candy bar into the pocket of her pantsuit and ultimately swindled yet another American out of something they earned. Mr. Martinez was brave enough to come forward to Breitbort with this information so we could make the public aware of just how low the Clinton Campaign is willing to fall in order to dupe the American people. This is just more damning evidence that Hillary should be in Con College instead of attempting to move into the whitest house in America, The White House. With any luck, the promise of a special prosecutor could bring the ending everyone wants: Hillary for Prison, ’16.
At press time, we have learned that Phil Martinez’ family filled out a missing person report and had not heard from their successful small businessman family member since he had left for work that day. Whether or not that has anything to do with the long list of a body count surrounding the Clintons, is a topic for the masses to weigh in on, but for now we are going to lay low and hope we don’t end up missing as well. If there is no activity from us for a week, please contact the FBI and let them know your favorite news source has gone black, they’ll know what you’re talking about and what to do about it. I love you mom. My will is embedded in the code of this webpage just in case.