BREAKING NEWS: Do cats contain secret ancient hieroglyphs?



Love em or hate em, they might contain secrets to our past.

I was looking at a cat – a good cat, maybe 5 pounds – and noted that the eyes contained secrets.


Secrets kept away from HUMAN BEINGS. Shocking.

My heart started to race. I felt my blood pressure rising. My brain screamed like an electromagnetic field blasting into the depths of hell!

My head was spinning. The cat glowered, enraging me. I kicked an orange bucket over, it went into the street. Later, a cell phone zapped my hand with its powerful connection. My nerve endings turned into pistols and I shot the sky.

A reporter once told me to knock it off. Knock on, I thought, maybe a whimsical cat can calm me down. Yet here I am now, orchestrating a way to reveal the secrets kept from within. The rib cage might contain the informations I lust so heavily over. Aching went my deepest sorrow. I fired my finger pistol into the neighbor’s garage.

He didn’t mind – Promise!

The quicker I could get into this cat’s DNA the better I’d be able to tell the world about the messages enscrawled on the bones of the feline. I called my friend Roger McCoppeton – a scientist at the University of Bones – and told him to head to my abode pronto! He didn’t even ask why, he hopped into his jet ski and careened off the early morning waves as elegantly as a rhinoceros on ice skates.

Rodg got into my pad and we drank a potion for good luck and safe keeping. I showed him the cat.

Rodg threw up.

He knew the secrets already! Said that his bones at the secrets too. I put a scalpel into his arm and peered into his bones – the ancient type was there, in red colored font.

From what I could gather, the scripture translated into this message:

“Bones, bones the secrets of life!

Bountiful wishes inside the marrow!

Use more lemons for supper tomorrow!

Life is but a caress in the sun!

I hate Bones!!

Love, the religion you follow.”

My mouth was dragging around on the floor as Rodg paced in a figure eight. Bullocks and smocks! Those are words that Rodg shouted near the cat. The faintest whimper of my previously speeding heart dwindled to a lowly thump. Rats!

The cat and I are good friends now. He shares secrets at night, vibrating my eardrums.

His name is the Cat jr. I am not creative.

Cats contain secrets.