ST. LOUIS, MO.– After Sunday night’s second Presidential Debate, no one was talking about whether Trump or Clinton won over any more voters with their answers to questions on topics ranging from immigration policy to Hillary Clinton’s husband’s hundreds, if not thousands, of sexual transgressions. No, America was taken by storm by the man in the red sweater and pinchable dad-face who asked the last question at the town hall forum. And while the average American was busy declaring Trump the undisputed heavy weight debate champion of Missouri, the rest of us were mesmerized by the unabashed Kenneth Bone who stepped up and fired off a debate question for the ages: “What steps will your energy policy take to meet our energy needs while at the same time remaining environmentally friendly and minimizing job layoffs?” It truly backed both candidates into corners because Trump has adamantly defended the environmentally unsafe coal industry which would keep millions of hard working Americans in their jobs that kill their lungs, but also put food on the table for their family. Hillary on the other hand has come out time and time again wanting to shut down the coal industry, furthering the trend of the Obama administration of replacing American workers with lower wage illegal immigrants who are taking our jobs and moving into them into the 22nd century where they seem to think cars will be powered by electric windmills. Now, all of this would be pretty relevant if Ken Bone was who he said he was, but new information exclusive to Breitbort.com leads us to believe otherwise. You know all those emails from Hillary that they can’t find? Well, our resident digital information dumpster diver Chet Jengum went snooping around the virtual land of the democrats, and what he found could really be a game changer.
Turns out “Ken Bone” is actually a secret operative hired by the DNC to try and ‘exploit the Trump camp’s inability to draw the vote of the environmentally friendly electorate,’ according to one of the emails obtained by Mr. Jengum. Worse off, the loveable “undecided voter’s” real name wasn’t even Kenneth Bone. You may want to sit down because this is where things get weird. Ken Bone is actually Hollywood actor Ryan Gosling. In other emails obtained by Breitbort, we have confirmed correspondence between an unnamed Hillary for America staffer and the talent agent who represents Mr. Gosling, Carolyn Govers. Most of the emails between the two parties involved we could find were just desperate messages from the Clinton campaign begging for more cash donations to keep the liberal propaganda machine running, but the crème de la crème of the cache of emails was the final damning evidence linking Gosling to Ken Bone.
The following is an excerpt from an email exchange between Gosling’s agent and Hillary for America
We are so glad Ryan is on board to help elect Hillary for POTUS! We just had a few concerns, but knowing Ryan’s immense acting ability and professionalism, we are confident they should be no problem.
First, can Ryan put on 115 pounds between now and October? I know it is asking a lot, but we need this to be as authentic as possible, we can discuss body suit options, but we really want to nail this and put The Donald away for good and can’t leave any trace of this being phony or even coming back on us.
Second, does Ryan have any opposition to wearing a 3/4 zip red sweater and white khaki pants for days on end after the debate appearance? We plan on the ‘Bonedawg’ to be a smashing success across the country and will need the character to make an appearance on just about any news show that will give him a time slot. We can provide all the outfits necessary, but can make adjustments to the look if Mr. Gosling is uncomfortable at all.
The email goes on to hammer Donald Trump’s ‘tiny’ hands, even though we all know he truly embodies the ideal peak male physique that can only be attained by years and years of taking advantage of the tax code, making a buck off the backs of his underpaid workers, and having sexual fantasies about his daughter.
This just adds yet another blemish onto the résumé of the DNC in this election cycle, and it begs the very fair question of whether or not they should be allowed to sleep in the same bed of Hollywood and the media, and use it as a tool to prop up their obviously flawed candidate. Despite all of this, Donald Trump is still coming in as the winner of the debate and polling as the ultimate winner November 8th according to very reputable and scientific polls such as Drudge Report, Fox5 San Diego, NJ.com, MLive.com, and our friends over at Breitbart.com, and his campaign doesn’t seem to think that Ryan “Kenneth Bone” Gosling will have any sort of effect on these wonderful, beautiful numbers.